Thanks Timothy. As always thoughtful, topical and beautifully written. So much of what you’ve written in this piece I’m sure applies not only to gay men, but to straight men too, but it was certainly familiar to me growing up gay even decades before you did.
When I was in elementary school my neighbor boy who was to be my classmate for all 12 years of school was, as I look back on it now, a little bit 'effeminate'. On most sites I have been prevented from saying some of the messages he sent me, so all I can say is that as I look back now, I regret that I felt that what he wanted was wrong, because deep down that was what I REALLY wanted! It would have been good for both of us and been a healthy part of growing up. No, I never noticed him ever having limp wrists or anything like that, but he was just more bold in showing his desire to have another human being to share his more intimate moments with.
It is so difficult to just live a life in this world full of pressures to be something. The growing chorus of everything having meaning sometimes doesn't help, either, as it leads to an overwhelming amount of thought processing and paralysis in decision-making.
There is real harm that can still come to people who do not exist in the box, as Kane mentioned. For some of us, there is more fear of a built-up unknown than an actual need for fear. What would happen if someone snickers or disagrees with an action or preaches moral wrong in a shaming way? In many cases, as autonomous adults in regulated workplaces and peer groups of our choice, we can work on more confidence building and supporting each other through fears as well as creating that safer environment.
I look at my boys, the oldest of whom came out as bi during the pandemic, and the influences in their worlds. My oldest has a reverse parenting role with his father who has shifted to a more conservative Christian worldview, influenced by his new partner. This has led to my oldest rejecting his previous identity and going in the opposite direction and declaring certain behaviours, etc as "gay" in a negative manner. My youngest, who had a relationship with his father that contained more friction and his father chose to end the relationship, is comfortable in choosing some of the behaviours his brother now looks down on, argues respectfully with him, yet seems solid in a cis-het identity (for now). I share this because it strikes me how these moments can come into life and shape the path...but maybe the path is still flexible enough to have other turns in it for the future. That is the hope I'd like to hold.
Apologies if this meandered off topic a while. Appreciate your posts and the thoughtfulness and vulnerability you always share with courage.
“I can’t imagine what that must have felt like—if it felt like anything at all—to be exactly oneself and to be exactly right.”
“Exhausting.”
These excerpts really hit home. I truly couldn’t (and still can’t) imagine what it’s like to never have given my projected masculinity a second thought. Or even a first thought. It must be such a gift.
How much calmer, more centered, and even more productive members of society might we have been if masculinity had simply not been an issue?
And now at almost 60, I can tell you that the strictures due to conscious and unconscious homophobia in society (sadly internalized) were even worse earlier, of course. Even after psychotherapy(ies), I, too, can’t say I’ve succeeded in loosening them much at all. I still second guess; they still imprison. But yes, it’s crucial—because it’s an identity issue, as psychologically fundamental as needing a physical body to move through the world—that we continue to try.
And in the meantime, praise grant ourselves some grace.
While the majority of people, crave the invisibility and simplicity of conformity, others happily confront societal norms by way of dress, comportment, behaviour as they live their truth. Be visible. Provide an example for others struggling with conformity. Take risks.
However, such people are often willing to be constrained, to some extent, by family and friends when present for their peace of mind and comfort if this is an issue for them.
For example, for a guy to rock a speedo, instead of a thong or being naked at a beach. Board shorts no!
Wearing clothes that are less likely to lead to misgendering would be an another.
My point is simply about the origin of the constraints. They are not internalized if the question posed is how far can I push the envelope, for my well-being if not sanity, without breaking my environment or relationships I value. Quite often the constraints melt away more quickly than initially imagined!
Thanks Timothy. As always thoughtful, topical and beautifully written. So much of what you’ve written in this piece I’m sure applies not only to gay men, but to straight men too, but it was certainly familiar to me growing up gay even decades before you did.
When I was in elementary school my neighbor boy who was to be my classmate for all 12 years of school was, as I look back on it now, a little bit 'effeminate'. On most sites I have been prevented from saying some of the messages he sent me, so all I can say is that as I look back now, I regret that I felt that what he wanted was wrong, because deep down that was what I REALLY wanted! It would have been good for both of us and been a healthy part of growing up. No, I never noticed him ever having limp wrists or anything like that, but he was just more bold in showing his desire to have another human being to share his more intimate moments with.
It is so difficult to just live a life in this world full of pressures to be something. The growing chorus of everything having meaning sometimes doesn't help, either, as it leads to an overwhelming amount of thought processing and paralysis in decision-making.
There is real harm that can still come to people who do not exist in the box, as Kane mentioned. For some of us, there is more fear of a built-up unknown than an actual need for fear. What would happen if someone snickers or disagrees with an action or preaches moral wrong in a shaming way? In many cases, as autonomous adults in regulated workplaces and peer groups of our choice, we can work on more confidence building and supporting each other through fears as well as creating that safer environment.
I look at my boys, the oldest of whom came out as bi during the pandemic, and the influences in their worlds. My oldest has a reverse parenting role with his father who has shifted to a more conservative Christian worldview, influenced by his new partner. This has led to my oldest rejecting his previous identity and going in the opposite direction and declaring certain behaviours, etc as "gay" in a negative manner. My youngest, who had a relationship with his father that contained more friction and his father chose to end the relationship, is comfortable in choosing some of the behaviours his brother now looks down on, argues respectfully with him, yet seems solid in a cis-het identity (for now). I share this because it strikes me how these moments can come into life and shape the path...but maybe the path is still flexible enough to have other turns in it for the future. That is the hope I'd like to hold.
Apologies if this meandered off topic a while. Appreciate your posts and the thoughtfulness and vulnerability you always share with courage.
“I can’t imagine what that must have felt like—if it felt like anything at all—to be exactly oneself and to be exactly right.”
“Exhausting.”
These excerpts really hit home. I truly couldn’t (and still can’t) imagine what it’s like to never have given my projected masculinity a second thought. Or even a first thought. It must be such a gift.
How much calmer, more centered, and even more productive members of society might we have been if masculinity had simply not been an issue?
And now at almost 60, I can tell you that the strictures due to conscious and unconscious homophobia in society (sadly internalized) were even worse earlier, of course. Even after psychotherapy(ies), I, too, can’t say I’ve succeeded in loosening them much at all. I still second guess; they still imprison. But yes, it’s crucial—because it’s an identity issue, as psychologically fundamental as needing a physical body to move through the world—that we continue to try.
And in the meantime, praise grant ourselves some grace.
Thank you for the article, Timothy.
Timothy excellent points as always.
While the majority of people, crave the invisibility and simplicity of conformity, others happily confront societal norms by way of dress, comportment, behaviour as they live their truth. Be visible. Provide an example for others struggling with conformity. Take risks.
However, such people are often willing to be constrained, to some extent, by family and friends when present for their peace of mind and comfort if this is an issue for them.
For example, for a guy to rock a speedo, instead of a thong or being naked at a beach. Board shorts no!
Wearing clothes that are less likely to lead to misgendering would be an another.
My point is simply about the origin of the constraints. They are not internalized if the question posed is how far can I push the envelope, for my well-being if not sanity, without breaking my environment or relationships I value. Quite often the constraints melt away more quickly than initially imagined!
Keep writing!